thewaitingheart

You must be brave to make the decision to pursue and fight for a child.  Your heart will grow faint if it is not filled and strengthened by the Lord.  Oh, you may survive if you go it alone, but it will not be what He wants it to be.  The process will not teach or grow you the way He wants it to.   You will see goodness here-not just in eternity.  Things may not be how you thought they might be, but your heart will be strengthened.  You will be more in love with your Savior which is most precious above all else.

The greatest temptation in a an era of technology is to take things into your own hands.  You can compare timelines and other agencies, other countries and even people from your own orphanage.  It makes you want to DO something to make your documents move like Mrs. Jones' documents.  What if, just if, you did not have the blogging world?  What if you do not have group forums?  Some information is helpful and encouraging, but it can also cause you to envy what the Lord seems to be doing in someone else's family.  It can make you doubt your agency, case workers, lawyers, etc.  It can make you want to rise up and do something more.  It is a delicate balance of trusting the Lord will work on your behalf and moving when the Lord tells you to.  

What are your fears in this waiting time?  What is the thing you think you cannot handle?  Search your heart and make sure your decisions are not made out of fear.  Are you avoiding foster care locally because you fear birthparents or the possibility of loss? Are you not taking an older child because you fear he may have "issues?"  Are you not taking a child with disabilities because you fear the pain or medical bills?  Are you not accepting a child multi-ethnically because you fear what others think or don't want to handle the questions from your child or from others about adoption?  Are you choosing a domestic adoption because you fear issues of children with orphanages?

For You formed my inward parts;

Your responses will educate, encourage, prepare and exhort those around you.  There are times when your heart longs to be refreshed and lifted by your friends and family.  You may find at the end of a day, though, that you are the one carrying them.  It can be heavy if you have a large family or church community.  During this wait, God will be refining your intimate circle.  This will be important for bonding with your child when she comes home.  He will also be teaching you how to redirect people's comments.  This, too, will be vital when your little one is home forever (especially if you are adopting an older child or will have a multi-ethnic family).  You get to practice, out of the ear-shot of your child, loving, gracious and Godly responses to crazy questions.  God is using you subtly through your obedience and overtly by your direct answers to teach people about the beautiful plan of adoption.  Amazing! 

Is this a child for a family or a family for a child?  It is a ministry.... to a child.  

Beloved, there is something you must bury in your heart now.  If you love God, there will be a battle for this child's heart.  Once your child is home, without fail, at some time, the lies will come.  If you know now what sweeps the minds of other adoptive parents, you'll be able to quickly dismiss the lie and press on to what God is calling you to.  Here are just a few:

As you wait for your child, there are so many emotions that flux about the relationship or lack there of you may have with your future child's birth mother. No matter what you feel in any given moment, you undoubtedly are grateful to this precious woman for giving your child life....for giving your baby to your family. You may want to honor her in a special way. I chose something unique for my birthmothers. It is a photo charm of my child with a custom designed chain and dangles. I don't know how often we will be in contact, but I wanted each of them to know that I valued them and that I knew they would miss their child. You can see an image to the right. It is purposefully blurred to protect the child. If you are interested in having one created, please contact me.

What are the boundaries and language you will use to communicate your heart to those family members?

Dear loved ones,
If you can believe it, the time is finally here!! The precious children God has chosen before the beginning of time to be in our family are finally coming home. We know that each of you receiving this letter have in some way supported, loved or prayed for us. Because we know your care for our children and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip those that will be around them to assist them in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation emotionally, physically and spiritually.

In many ways, we will be just like families created biologically, and we will parent like other families as we bring our girls up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But in many ways we will need to parent them unlike what you may have seen or experienced. For years now, we have studied bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption.

Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a child has a physical or emotional need, communicates that need, the primary caretaker (usually mom) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a biological mother and child over and over to create trust within a child for that caretaker. (Baby is hungry, baby screams in distress, mom comes, meets the need, calms the child, baby learns that mom is safe and can be trusted) If you are a parent, you do not realize you are doing this special dance…. it is innate in a mother’s heart. But when this happens naturally, you are actually beginning, even with a tiny baby, to lay an emotional foundation in her heart that will affect her learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. A child that comes home through adoption (or a biological child that has experienced trauma) may have experienced interruptions to attachment. Each loss (of a birthmother, long hospital stays, death of a parent, divorce, abuse, leaving homes, changes in orphanage/foster homes, culture, language, etc) is a trauma on their little hearts. Many things affect the degree to which these traumas affect a child and not all children will have attachment issues. But it is best to be prepared as though they do.

The good news is that we can now as their parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help them heal from these traumas. When the kids come home, they will be disoriented. Everything around them will be new, and they will need to learn not just about their new environment but also about what love and family are. The best way is for us, as their parents, to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed them. As this repeats between us, they are able to learn that parents are safe to love and to love deeply. The foundation like that of an infant will begin to form. Once they start to establish this long process, they will then be able to branch out to other relationships.

They will have what may seem like a lot of structure, boundaries and proximity to us. Please know that our decisions and parenting motivations are not fear-based parenting or a desire to overly control our children. They are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based out of lots of research. We will be doing what we know is the best way to help them heal from those interruptions in attachment as rapidly as possible. Our hope is that our hard work will allow for us to reduce the amount of structure they need soon.

Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our children settle in, heal and lay a foundation for the future. There are three main areas in which you can help us. The first is to set boundaries. It will help us immensely, if you do not initiate physical contact with them. This would include things like hugging, kissing, lap sitting, holding, touching of hair and long eye gazes. If you feel led to welcome us home at the airport, for instance, waving, blowing kisses or high fives would be appropriate. Such boundaries will help them understand that we are their interpreters of loss and providers of a stable, consistent environment worthy of being trusted.

The second area is redirecting their desire to have their emotional and physical needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having (my husband) or me meet them. A child struggling to learn to attach, may exhibit indiscriminate affection or what can be perceived as charming behavior to adults outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but that is actually dangerous for the child. The following is difficult for me because I have snuggled, cared for and loved so many of your children. Please understand that if we have to tell them something like. Honey, you may not hug Mrs. Smith or I am your Mommy, come sit on my lap. That it is not anything personal against you, it is just us teaching them about family, appropriate boundaries and behavior. Until they have that understanding, if the children approach you, please redirect them back to us. You can say things like,

Oh, there’s your mom right there (and point them to us) or
Your daddy is ready to snuggle you or
You are a nice child and you are my friend, but I am not your mommy. Your mommy is over there or
You are my friend, so you may sit next to me, but not on my lap or
Your Daddy can help you wind that toy.

The last area is language. Our conspicuous family will be uncommon in our geographical area and has already been challenged by well-intentioned strangers. We absolutely understand that most of what we are asked or receive comments on is not a deliberate lack of sensitivity. It is usually more often than not a lack of familiarity with adoption. It will be great for the girls to have as many people around them as possible that are using appropriate adoption/family language!! You may be surprised by some of the questions below, but they are things we have actually been asked or friends that have adopted have been asked. We are sharing our “answers” so that you will know the words we use in our family and for you to help us educate people around us.

Hurtful Questions vs. Helpful Terminology
How did you get them?? They came home through adoption
What happened to their real parents?/Are they really yours? /You must be the nanny. Etc. We are their real mom, dad, parents as chosen before time by our Sovereign God. (We will not be sharing their history with others)
Using words like trans- or Bi-racial Multiethnic or multi cultural Family (we are all from the same race of Adam and Eve. The expression of skin pigment does not separate our heritage)
Are they real siblings?? They are siblings. (think of the last time you had to answer that question about your biological children)
Why were they put up for adoption?? Birth parents chose an adoption plan for their children for various reasons
Will you have your own children?? These children are our real/own children
How much did she cost? A child is precious and priceless. Legal fees and paperwork costs are incurred in adoption
Where did you get her from? Are you wondering what her heritage is? She came home from (country/state)

We are so blessed to have so many supporters around us. Thank you for all you have done and will do to help our children be all God has created them to be. If you have questions, please feel free to ask. We are full of grace, happy to explain and will be quick to forgive. If you are uncomfortable asking us anything directly, please feel free to contact (our friend/therapist, if available) well versed in attachment or Google attachment in adoption online.

In Christ’s Love,
XXX

P.S. For those of you that have asked what you can get for the children, no home coming gifts are necessary. But if you can’t help yourselves (as we know some of you will not accept this ☺ ) We would like to have the children be a part of building their new wardrobe. If you would like, gift cards to the Mall are great.

The following hand-me-downs would be so appreciated, too!
~XXXXX

"And no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth" (Rev. 14:3).

There are songs which can only be learned in the valley. No art can teach them; no rules of voice can make them perfectly sung. Their music is in the heart. They are songs of memory, of personal experience. They bring out their burden from the shadow of the past; they mount on the wings of yesterday.

St. John says that even in Heaven there will be a song that can only be fully sung by the sons of earth--the strain of redemption. Doubtless it is a song of triumph, a hymn of victory to the Christ who made us free. But the sense of triumph must come from the memory of the chain.

No angel, no archangel can sing it so sweetly as I can. To sing it as I sing it, they must pass through my exile, and this they cannot do. None can learn it but the children of the Cross.

And so, my soul, thou art receiving a music lesson from thy Father. Thou art being educated for the choir invisible. There are parts of the symphony that none can take but thee.

There are chords too minor for the angels. There may be heights in the symphony which are beyond the scale--heights which angels alone can reach; but there are depths which belong to thee, and can only be touched by thee.

Thy Father is training thee for the part the angels cannot sing; and the school is sorrow. I have heard many say that He sends sorrow to prove thee; nay, He sends sorrow to educate thee, to train thee for the choir
invisible.

In the night He is preparing thy song. In the valley He is tuning thy voice. In the cloud He is deepening thy chords. In the rain He is sweetening thy melody. In the cold He is moulding thy expression. In the transition from hope to fear He is perfecting thy lights.

Despise not thy school of sorrow, O my soul; it will give thee a unique part in the universal song. --George Matheson

"Is the midnight closing round you?
Are the shadows dark and long?
Ask Him to come close beside you,
And He'll give you a new, sweet song.
He'll give it and sing it with you;
And when weakness lets it down,
He'll take up the broken cadence,
And blend it with His own.

"And many a rapturous minstrel
Among those sons of light,
Will say of His sweetest music
'I learned it in the night.'
And many a rolling anthem,
That fills the Father's home,
Sobbed out its first rehearsal,
In the shade of a darkened room."

Title: School of Sorrow
Author: Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
Devotion: Streams in the Desert
Scripture References:
Revelation 14:3

This classic devotional is the unabridged edition of
Streams in the Desert. This first edition was published
in 1925 and the wording is preserved as originally
written. Connotations of words may have changed over the
years and are not meant to be offensive.

The book of Esther may be a place for your heart to linger, dear one.  Not only do we see yet another example of the Lord's blessing of adoption, but we see a situation not unlike the adoption process. 

How involved will other family members be?  

The bond with a mother is the most precious relationship a child has.  The connection in with a biological child is never really considered.  The Lord knits hearts in the womb, with each newborn feeding and returning during separation anxiety.  By toddler years, they know mom is home base.  But for a child that does not know what having a mommy looks like, each interaction must be completely intentional.   This primary relationship between a mommy and the baby lays the foundation for every single relationship to come... siblings, friends and even spouses.  Here are some questions that will help you think through the transition time.  

Often in adoption books you will read a line or quick paragraph about not sharing your child's history with others.  I think it is one of the most over looked topics in adoption.  I hear far too frequently the detailed pasts of small children who come home through foster care or adoption.  I am not sure what the obsession is with other people wanting to ask such details.  Or even why parents feel it necessary to share this?  People would never ask such thing of a divorced mother, or a biological family or an adult.  Quite plainly put it is gossip in most instances.  I always ask myself, what is the end of sharing such information?  Is it honoring to the birth family or to the child?  What will this person do with this information?  Share it with another?  Maybe pray.  But in most situations, the incident is not a current need for the child. It can only harm a child for people to have sensitive information that he or she has not yet the emotional or intellectual ability to process.  Would he or she share this information?  If it is not the public testimony of your child's birth family or your child(that she can tell), I would always err on the side of silence.  Once the information is out to one--- you have no control over how it circulates, how it will affect your child or how it will be interpreted.

When we come to know Jesus as our Savior, we say we will lay down our lives and follow Him.  I find, so often, beloved, that we lay down the things that are easiest for us to.  The Lord will then, gently lead us through experiences... beckoning us sweetly to our knees... to give up one more piece of our hearts.  I will not sugar coat such situations by saying these moments are easy.  Usually far from it.  It is a circumcision of your heart, and it will be bathed in tears.    What is true is everything passes through His throne.  He is there, knows your pain intimately and has great purpose in it.

How long did it take for you to come into the everlasting embrace of your Heavenly Father? Certainly years, if not decades.  WHY?  God was working.  You did not know all the ways but He need to do something in your heart to prepare you to come to your eternal family.  Christ was also working in the hearts of others who would help you in the process.  And your day was appointed to be written in the book of life.  So surely does your bundle of joy have that appointed time for his enfolding, and He is working in the all of the hearts touched by your adoption for that moment.

12 years ago, I lost my father.  There are times still that I miss him so much my bones hurt.  As a child, he was my everything.  He knew how to calm my heart, to ease my burdens, to make me smile, to cherish my core.  He was not without fault.  Many of his days were tormented by consequences of his sin and the sin of others.  I remember  the hard days of grouchiness from suspended addictions or deep sadness from heart wrenching loss or frustration from life not beig what he thought it promised.  But on my lonely days, those aren't the things that come to my mind.  In fact, even the joyful, playful experiences do not either.  It is the feeling that just his presence gave my soul that I long for.  Somehow, with him, "it" was going to be okay.  

My heart is to minister to the waiting heart.  I know the longing of a mother waiting for a child to come home in an international adoption.  Each country, time and family is different.  But what links their hearts is they are following the Lord and waiting on Him to deliver that baby.  There are hard days, though.  Hopefully, you have someone near you to spur you on... not just to survive but to THRIVE during this time.  But maybe you don't or at times you just want to be alone.  Then this can be a place where the Lord through my words and experiences can lift up your weary arms.  Together may we wait on the Lord, to renew our strength, that we might mount up with wings life eagles.  May we run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.